Unapologetic

Sorry I haven't written in over a month. I've been preoccupied with my fieldwork and this semester has been racing by much more quickly than I had planned.

Actually, I'm not exactly "sorry" for not having updated—I have a perfectly good reason and the people nearest and dearest to me are kept in the loop anyway. But that's the setup for this post: a couple weeks back I was talking to a Swede whom I hadn't kept in regular touch with. When they gently chided me on that point I said I was sorry, I had been so busy that week. They then said that Americans are masters of saying sorry when it isn't necessary. (i.e. "Sorry, I didn't hear you.") It wasn't the first time I had been accused of being overly apologetic, though it was the first time it had been attributed to my culture. I don't view myself as overly apologetic in general (and in the context of that example it made perfect sense to me to say sorry) although I perhaps was so in the past.

The definition of an apology is a statement of regret. So when I realized that it got me thinking: if people are told to live lives without regret, wouldn't that mean that they should never apologize for anything? Now certainly, one shouldn't apologize for not living in the way someone else would have preferred and not feel regret for something just because someone is judging you. The idea of not becoming preoccupied with the less than optimal outcomes of one's choices in life makes perfect sense to me. But if one really believes that one shouldn't consider getting absolutely trashed at a party and waking up with a stranger the next day a regret, but "a learning experience" then you can turn the most mundane things into "learning experiences" and do away with regret—and hence apologies—all together. You accidentally bumped into someone on your way to class and knocked over the giant stack of books they were carrying? No need to apologize. No regrets, remember? Now you should still help them, no regrets doesn't mean you don't hold yourself responsible for your actions. You're checking your email and you lose track of time, you're supposed to meet your friend at 2:00 but you arrive at 2:30 instead. No need to say you're sorry, after all you shouldn't have regrets.

I am not seriously advocating abandoning the practice of apologizing entirely. I'm simply pointing out that if one subscribes to the idea that you're not supposed to regret the big stuff, then you certainly shouldn't regret the small stuff. And if you don't mean an apology, you shouldn't say it, right? So what is to be done?

Thoughts, comments?